True Love After 40

People who are stubbornly committed to making their marriages work tend to survive the tough times and are generally happier than those who throw in the towel at the first sign of conflict. The book The Case For Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially, by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, turned some "facts" about marriage on their heads.

Are you stubbornly committed to your marriage? Do you take your wedding vows seriously?  People who have the "whatever it takes" attitude go through conflicts just like the rest of us married folks.  The difference is their commitment keeps them together, even when they are seriously at odds.  Strangely, they weather the storms of conflict and come out better than before.

Are you ready to run at the first sign of conflict? Do you secretly plan your escape from your marriage whenever you argue with your spouse?  This mindset is already the beginning of seeing marriage as something that is easily thrown away.  It keeps the tension and conflict high because you never know if you'll still be together this time next year or even next month.

Do you ride the fence? Do you sometimes believe you are committed to your marriage and at other times feel ready to flee?  Sorry, folks, but that's like being a little bit pregnant.  You are either committed or not committed to your marriage.  It is not a part time thing.  The good news is that you can make a decision right now to be committed to co-creating a happy, successful marriage with your spouse.

Committed couples are happier than uncommitted ones. They are a stubborn bunch of people, determined to keep their marriages together.  Does this sound like something you want to do? Are you ready to make some improvements that will benefit your marriage?

I invite you to sign up now to receive my free report on the Seven Deadly Habits and how they can destroy your relationship. In this report I talk about what you can do differently so you can reduce the tension in your relationship and create a more loving marriage for you and your spouse.

A loving relationship can go a long way to heal the hurts of the past.  You trust each other enough to be vulnerable instead of defensive. You are able to explore past hurts and let them go. You can grow together as you co-create the relationship of your dreams.

When you are able to trust the one you're with, you can allow yourself to be vulnerable and let down your guard. You understand that your partner is not going to repeat the hurts of the past, at least not intentionally. You can begin to redefine yourself with your partner and let go of previous pain. It may be scary to be this vulnerable, but it gets easier as you go along and build positive experiences together.

With the help of someone you have chosen to trust, you can explore past hurts.  Letting go of the pain of the past is never a straight path.  Inside your relationship, you choose new patterns to replace the old ones that did not work for you.  When you both turn toward each other with support and acceptance, you don't have to reach for defensiveness as your first reaction.

What is best about this is you and your partner have an amazing opportunity to grow as a couple.  You get to work together to create a happy, passionate relationship.  The rewards of this are limitless and you are able to do this because you trust the one you love.  You get to decide to break the negative patterns of your respective pasts and live in a way that suits the two of you best.

It's not easy to do this and often, even if couples have the best of intentions, they need outside help to create this wonderful, trusting life together.  That's where relationship coaching comes in handy.  You can create your vision for your relationship and set your goals for living the life you've dreamed of with the one you love.

I invite you to sign up now to receive my free report on the Seven Deadly Habits and how they can destroy your relationship. In this report I talk about what you can do differently so you can reduce the tension in your relationship and create a more loving relationship.

Holding grudges will erode the love in your marriage.  When you hold grudges you build resentment and anger. You allow your marriage to begin a downhill slide that can snowball into bigger problems. You block any chance of having a peaceful, stress-free home.

If you've ever held a grudge against your spouse for a real or imagined offense, you know how you can nurse the grudge until you are consumed by it.  You go to sleep thinking about how angry you are.  When you wake up it's the first thought on your mind. You feel resentful and angry and those feelings don't go away over time.

Once you've been holding onto the grudge for several days, it gets easier to keep holding onto it.  You start to build a case against your spouse, thinking only of the bad qualities and ignoring the good ones.  It gets even easier to think of your spouse as the bad guy. Hold several grudges at a time and you can even convince yourself that the marriage is doomed and you need to call a divorce lawyer.

By holding onto grudges, you have given up having a peaceful, stress-free home.  It's like you have decided that you would rather be right and miserable than to work on committing to making your marriage work. That's your ego talking.  If you truly want to co-create a loving, peaceful place for your marriage, the grudges have got to go.

The reason couples go to marriage counseling is often so one spouse can get the therapist to fix the other.  Your marriage is not mentally ill! You have gotten stuck in a rut by doing things that make your marriage worse.  Relationship Coaching can get you back on track.

I invite you to learn more about other Deadly Habits that will destroy your marriage and what you can do about it by getting your free report now at http://www.trueloveafter40.com/freereports.htm.

Today's message from Louise L. Hay's "I Can Do It" Cards: My heart is the center of my power. I follow my heart.

I have found in my marriage that when I stick to "cold, hard facts" and ignore what my heart tells me, I tend to get off balance.  Following my heart, I am able to feel compassion for my husband when we are in conflict. When I don't follow my heart, I only want to win the argument. When I follow my heart, I am able to see his point of view.

Following my head, or just using pure logic creates a situation in which I look for flaws in my husband's statements.  I become a lawyer, determined to poke holes in his argument.  I no longer care about his thoughts and feelings. I simply want to win.

Following my heart means I show empathy and I seek to understand the situation and my husband.  I want to create a win-win situation with him. I want to end up with us feeling closer to each other.

For me, following my heart means I do everything I can to figure out how to create a happy, successful marriage.  Of course, I'm human, so I don't get it right all the time. I am grateful that each day I get a new opportunity to work on ways to make it better.

I invite you to sign up now to receive my free report on the Seven Deadly Habits and how they can destroy your relationship. In this report I talk about what you can do differently so you can reduce the tension in your relationship and create a more loving marriage for you and your spouse.

Today I picked a card from Esther and Jerry Hicks' "Ask and It Is Given" deck:

"There is enough room for all ideas and experiences."

Maybe you have conflict with your loved ones because you believe that your way is the right way, and by extension, the ONLY way to do things.  Maybe you don’t do this; maybe your loved one does and you are the recipient of these attitudes.  I believe that most of us hold these attitudes.  Some hold on loosely and are more accepting; others are downright dictatorial.  It becomes a matter of degree.

If you are locked into the belief that there is only one right way to do things, the consequences can include:

• Taking on too much (because no one else will do it)
• Doing it all yourself (because no one else can do it right)
• Fatigue
• Resentment
• Constant criticizing, nagging, and complaining

I will admit that I have been a "my way is the best way" person.  I've mellowed over the years and yet, I still have to be careful when this attitude surfaces. Once I was able to let go of the need to have it done "my way" I experienced a relief I had never imagined. I also learned some new things about other ideas and experiences!

If you take the Hicks' message to heart, how much more accepting would you be? How would your relationships improve?

Join me, beginning in February, as we begin a couples' journey to find and keep the passion.  Check out the details of the True LoveCoaching Calls for Couples!

So often I hear people say that they don't know why they don't get what they want.  This is especially true in relationships.  They describe themselves in glowing terms while often describing their partner very negatively. 

Their thoughts about themselves are, "What's not to like?" while the one they're with is sub-par.  They lament that they aren't getting the love they feel they deserve. The problem is they are telling themselves a story!

Yes, they are blind to their faults and irritating behaviors.  They only see what their spouse is doing that drives them crazy.

If you are a friend who patiently hears such stories, bless you. Before you jump to defend the person who cannot see the forest for the trees, remind yourself that you are only hearing one side of the story.  You may be too polite to point out the blind spots of your lamenting friend.  You may also realize that it is fruitless, so you hold your tongue. 

Wouldn't it be wonderful if more people were willing to step back and look at themselves before they moan about how they cannot get what they want? Wouldn't it be great if more people actually asked themselves,"What am I doing to contribute to the well-being (or demise) of this relationship?" before pointing a finger accusingly and saying, "You need to make me happy?"

If you're experiencing some blind spots and are interested in making some adjustments that will create morehappiness in your life, my TrueLove Coaching Calls or Mastermind Relationship Group Coaching may be exactly what you need!  If you are the partner of someone with major blind spots, even better.  When you agree to work on yourself, amazing things happen in your relationship!

Sample Topics for the calls:

1. The Seven Deadly Habits of External Control: examining Dr. William Glasser's Choice Theory
2. Do we always have to talk about it? Can conflicts be cleared up without endless "discussions"?
3. Changing your negative thought patterns into positive ones
4. Creating a loving, harmonious marriage
5. Love and marriage with children.  How to keep your marriage healthy when you have children
6. Secrets of highly effective couples
7. Everyday Romance: little things do mean a lot
8. Bringing awareness into your marriage: challenging unconscious, negative habits
9. Understanding and Applying the Five Love Languages to your relationship
10. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: a look into the research of John Gottman, PhD

Why you should join:

• Be inspired, motivated, renewed, and energized
• Solution-focused content with exercises you can apply immediately
• Quick and easy solutions to bring you closer together
• Flexibility: attend the live sessions or listen later at your convenience
• Each session is recorded and available as an MP-3 download
• Cost effective: less than the price of an evening out for two
• Improve your relationship regardless of whether your spouse participates

Marriage retreats are wonderful and some couples do them frequently, maybe yearly or several times a year.  Think of this like taking a marriage retreat twice a month with the benefit of being able to listen at home or in your car whenever you want.

Your monthly membership will include:

• Two 60 minute coaching calls/webinars each month
• Q & A and mini-coaching session during the calls, time permitting
• Listen on your computer or your phone
• Calls are recorded to access later if you cannot attend
• First access to workshops and other events for enhancing your relationship with the one you love
• 16 years of expertise of a Licensed Professional Counselor and Relationship Coach

One on one coaching can be costly.  You may not have the time or the means to afford individualized coaching.  Whether or not you do, this method allows you to create your own library of relationship focused recordings that will help you create and maintain your own happy, successful relationship with the one you love.

My regular price is going to be $27.00 a month.  Because I'm launching this program in just a few weeks (beginning officially in February), I'm offering it for only $17.00 for the first 20 people who join.  

Here is the link to begin your first month. If you sign up now, you will not be billed again until the end of February.

http://tinyurl.com/truelovecoaching

Just a reminder: this is not therapy, nor is it meant to replace therapy.  If you need the services of a licensed therapist, please ask your primary care physician, or go to http://www.psychologytoday.com

According to Dr. William Glasser's Choice Theory, criticizing and complaining are two of the Seven Deadly Habits of External Control. These habits will destroy relationships. 

Criticism is the first habit because it is the deadliest. When you are on the receiving end of criticism, you can feel pretty awful.  It has a cumulative effect, weighing you down until you believe all the bad things being said to you.

Before you complain and criticize your spouse with the words "You're not the same person I married" ask yourself how you've changed. 

• Have you gotten sloppier in your table manners? The way you dress?
• Have you stopped doing those things that made your spouse smile?
• Have you stopped being polite?
• Are you taking your spouse for granted?

My hope for every couple is that they are not the same as when they married each other.  My hope is that they are better.  I hope they choose to continue to learn and grow and become closer to each other.

If you are a couple (or part of a couple) experiencing this habit, join me on Thursday, January 7, for a free one hour, informative and interactive workshop on this topic.  Sign up here: http://www.trueloveafter40.com/workshopsignup.htm

Forget "Seek First to Understand" and Bring on "Shoot First and Ask Questions Later"

Red alert! Shields up! Anytime you feel threatened, go ahead and strike.  Don't try to figure it out.  You've got to defend yourself.  Who did you marry?  If your relationship is a battlefield, you need some serious help.

Couples who understand Stephen Covey's habit, "Seek first to understand" know that defensiveness leads to misunderstanding. They choose to lower their defenses, making themselves vulnerable enough to really listen to each other.

Decide that no matter what your spouse does, you are going to take a step back and evaluate the situation first instead of going on the attack.  If you are married to someone you love, that person is your friend.  Stop treating your spouse like an enemy. 

Give each other the benefit of the doubt, listen with your whole being, and seek to understand each other.

Next habit: Criticize and Complain: "You're Not the Same Person I Married"

If you are a couple (or part of a couple) experiencing this habit, join me on Thursday, January 7, for a no cost, one hour, informative and interactive workshop on this topic.  Sign up here: http://www.trueloveafter40.com/workshopsignup.htm

Dirty Laundry: Everyone Should Know How Bad My Spouse is  

The more you focus on the negative traits of your spouse, the more pronounced they seem to be.  The truth is, unless you are "without sin" you have some negative habits also. One of the most destructive things you can do to your relationship is to talk badly about your spouse to others.

Now, I'm not saying that you should keep silent if you are in a domestic violence situation.  I'm saying that when you gossip about the one you chose "for better or for worse" you are being disloyal to your spouse. 

If you are dealing with some major problems in your relationship, see a Therapist or a Relationship Coach.  That way you can be assured of privacy.  Otherwise, you risk giving your friends the idea that your spouse is a no good loser and they'll be mad at you when you stay together after all the rotten things you've told them in the heat of anger.

Here's a novel idea: you can choose to be a positive example.  The next time you are with a group of friends who are speaking badly about their spouses, decide that you will say something positive about yours.

Next habit: Forget "Seek First to Understand" and Bring on "Shoot First and Ask Questions Later"

If you are a couple (or part of a couple) experiencing this habit, join me on Thursday, January 7, for a no cost one hour, informative and interactive workshop on this topic.  Sign up here: http://www.trueloveafter40.com/workshopsignup.htm