True Love After 40

People who are stubbornly committed to making their marriages work tend to survive the tough times and are generally happier than those who throw in the towel at the first sign of conflict. The book The Case For Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially, by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, turned some "facts" about marriage on their heads.

Are you stubbornly committed to your marriage? Do you take your wedding vows seriously?  People who have the "whatever it takes" attitude go through conflicts just like the rest of us married folks.  The difference is their commitment keeps them together, even when they are seriously at odds.  Strangely, they weather the storms of conflict and come out better than before.

Are you ready to run at the first sign of conflict? Do you secretly plan your escape from your marriage whenever you argue with your spouse?  This mindset is already the beginning of seeing marriage as something that is easily thrown away.  It keeps the tension and conflict high because you never know if you'll still be together this time next year or even next month.

Do you ride the fence? Do you sometimes believe you are committed to your marriage and at other times feel ready to flee?  Sorry, folks, but that's like being a little bit pregnant.  You are either committed or not committed to your marriage.  It is not a part time thing.  The good news is that you can make a decision right now to be committed to co-creating a happy, successful marriage with your spouse.

Committed couples are happier than uncommitted ones. They are a stubborn bunch of people, determined to keep their marriages together.  Does this sound like something you want to do? Are you ready to make some improvements that will benefit your marriage?

I invite you to sign up now to receive my free report on the Seven Deadly Habits and how they can destroy your relationship. In this report I talk about what you can do differently so you can reduce the tension in your relationship and create a more loving marriage for you and your spouse.

If you don't love yourself, no one else can ever give you enough love to make up for your lack of self-love. You will be constantly questioning whether he really loves you. You will doubt whether you are truly lovable and fear she will leave you. Your need to receive love that you are not giving yourself will eventually erode any real love from your partner.

When you do not accept yourself and love yourself, you have a hard time believing that another person can actually love you. You spend your time worrying and wondering if it's true. When you are able to see yourself as a person who is worthy of love, you stop questioning his love. Once you can stop questioning his love, you can step out of this neediness and begin to give and receive love.

Doubting you are lovable leads to fear that she will leave you. You cannot give her the love she needs because you are so focused on your own belief that she doesn't really love you. You can go in several directions with this: being extremely needy and asking for constant encouragement or being angry that she cannot fill the gaping hole your need for love creates.

A healthy person can only take so much insecurity from another person. Eventually, the thing you fear will come true. It's very hard for one person to give love to someone who constantly questions and doubts her/his love. No matter how much love your partner wants to give you, if you don't believe that you are worthy, you will drive your partner away.

As you can see, it is so important that you learn to accept and love yourself. When you do this, you are able to give and receive love. You don't have to get it perfect before you begin to seek someone to spend your life with. You just have to start yourself on the path to becoming a person who believes in yourself and your worthiness to be loved.

I invite you to sign up for my free reports, "Improve Your Confidence: 10 Tips for dating While Shy" and "Why am I Still Single and What Can I do About it? Ten Attitudes That are Keeping You from Finding Your Dream Man."  Both can be found here: http://www.trueloveafter40.com/freereports.htm.

A loving relationship can go a long way to heal the hurts of the past.  You trust each other enough to be vulnerable instead of defensive. You are able to explore past hurts and let them go. You can grow together as you co-create the relationship of your dreams.

When you are able to trust the one you're with, you can allow yourself to be vulnerable and let down your guard. You understand that your partner is not going to repeat the hurts of the past, at least not intentionally. You can begin to redefine yourself with your partner and let go of previous pain. It may be scary to be this vulnerable, but it gets easier as you go along and build positive experiences together.

With the help of someone you have chosen to trust, you can explore past hurts.  Letting go of the pain of the past is never a straight path.  Inside your relationship, you choose new patterns to replace the old ones that did not work for you.  When you both turn toward each other with support and acceptance, you don't have to reach for defensiveness as your first reaction.

What is best about this is you and your partner have an amazing opportunity to grow as a couple.  You get to work together to create a happy, passionate relationship.  The rewards of this are limitless and you are able to do this because you trust the one you love.  You get to decide to break the negative patterns of your respective pasts and live in a way that suits the two of you best.

It's not easy to do this and often, even if couples have the best of intentions, they need outside help to create this wonderful, trusting life together.  That's where relationship coaching comes in handy.  You can create your vision for your relationship and set your goals for living the life you've dreamed of with the one you love.

I invite you to sign up now to receive my free report on the Seven Deadly Habits and how they can destroy your relationship. In this report I talk about what you can do differently so you can reduce the tension in your relationship and create a more loving relationship.

Holding grudges will erode the love in your marriage.  When you hold grudges you build resentment and anger. You allow your marriage to begin a downhill slide that can snowball into bigger problems. You block any chance of having a peaceful, stress-free home.

If you've ever held a grudge against your spouse for a real or imagined offense, you know how you can nurse the grudge until you are consumed by it.  You go to sleep thinking about how angry you are.  When you wake up it's the first thought on your mind. You feel resentful and angry and those feelings don't go away over time.

Once you've been holding onto the grudge for several days, it gets easier to keep holding onto it.  You start to build a case against your spouse, thinking only of the bad qualities and ignoring the good ones.  It gets even easier to think of your spouse as the bad guy. Hold several grudges at a time and you can even convince yourself that the marriage is doomed and you need to call a divorce lawyer.

By holding onto grudges, you have given up having a peaceful, stress-free home.  It's like you have decided that you would rather be right and miserable than to work on committing to making your marriage work. That's your ego talking.  If you truly want to co-create a loving, peaceful place for your marriage, the grudges have got to go.

The reason couples go to marriage counseling is often so one spouse can get the therapist to fix the other.  Your marriage is not mentally ill! You have gotten stuck in a rut by doing things that make your marriage worse.  Relationship Coaching can get you back on track.

I invite you to learn more about other Deadly Habits that will destroy your marriage and what you can do about it by getting your free report now at http://www.trueloveafter40.com/freereports.htm.

Today's message from Louise L. Hay's "I Can Do It" Cards: My heart is the center of my power. I follow my heart.

I have found in my marriage that when I stick to "cold, hard facts" and ignore what my heart tells me, I tend to get off balance.  Following my heart, I am able to feel compassion for my husband when we are in conflict. When I don't follow my heart, I only want to win the argument. When I follow my heart, I am able to see his point of view.

Following my head, or just using pure logic creates a situation in which I look for flaws in my husband's statements.  I become a lawyer, determined to poke holes in his argument.  I no longer care about his thoughts and feelings. I simply want to win.

Following my heart means I show empathy and I seek to understand the situation and my husband.  I want to create a win-win situation with him. I want to end up with us feeling closer to each other.

For me, following my heart means I do everything I can to figure out how to create a happy, successful marriage.  Of course, I'm human, so I don't get it right all the time. I am grateful that each day I get a new opportunity to work on ways to make it better.

I invite you to sign up now to receive my free report on the Seven Deadly Habits and how they can destroy your relationship. In this report I talk about what you can do differently so you can reduce the tension in your relationship and create a more loving marriage for you and your spouse.

Today I picked a card from Esther and Jerry Hicks' "Ask and It Is Given" deck:

"There is enough room for all ideas and experiences."

Maybe you have conflict with your loved ones because you believe that your way is the right way, and by extension, the ONLY way to do things.  Maybe you don’t do this; maybe your loved one does and you are the recipient of these attitudes.  I believe that most of us hold these attitudes.  Some hold on loosely and are more accepting; others are downright dictatorial.  It becomes a matter of degree.

If you are locked into the belief that there is only one right way to do things, the consequences can include:

• Taking on too much (because no one else will do it)
• Doing it all yourself (because no one else can do it right)
• Fatigue
• Resentment
• Constant criticizing, nagging, and complaining

I will admit that I have been a "my way is the best way" person.  I've mellowed over the years and yet, I still have to be careful when this attitude surfaces. Once I was able to let go of the need to have it done "my way" I experienced a relief I had never imagined. I also learned some new things about other ideas and experiences!

If you take the Hicks' message to heart, how much more accepting would you be? How would your relationships improve?

Join me, beginning in February, as we begin a couples' journey to find and keep the passion.  Check out the details of the True LoveCoaching Calls for Couples!

"I am in the process of making positive changes in all areas of my life." Louis L. Hay

I can say I have definitely been through a lot of changes in the last (almost) three years.  Some of those changes were difficult; others were devastating.  I've been redefining myself as I deal with the changes.  It has been hard and I am so blessed to have friends and family who love and support me.  Without them, I would not have made it through.

If you have been through a rough patch or you are recovering from a profoundly painful loss or illness, you know what I'm talking about. 

One of my favorite lines from Rush's song, "Tom Sawyer" is "He knows changes aren't permanent, but change is."

Change is going to happen whether we want it to or not.  Some changes are welcome and we make them happen.  Other changes, like job loss, illness, natural disasters, and death often come unexpectedly and we cannot stop them.

I believe that we can weather changes with the support of those who love us.  Despite this support, some changes are hard to bear.

Who loves and supports you as you go through changes?  Take the words of Louise L. Hay and decide that you are in charge of the positive changes you are making in your life.  If you are a life-long learner and you're growth oriented, you are doing great!

If you're going through some changes in your relationship and you'd like to get back on a growth path so you and your spouse/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend can begin to co-create the life you want together, check out my new True Love Coaching Calls for Couples.  They begin in February!

Changes are happening in my life as I figure out the best way to offer my services to those who need them.  I am in the process of gathering a group of relationship experts together to offer a fantastic conference that people can attend from all over the country from the comfort of their own home.  I will offer it by webinar or telephone for the convenience of all participants.

As such, I thought I'd share my Louise L. Hay cards that I picked today at random, as they reflect what I'm drawing to me as I focus on these ideas:

From the Wisdom Cards:

"I am one with everyone on the planet.  I am on the cutting edge of a new conscious awakening for the whole planet.  I am willing to expand the horizons of my thinking."

From the "I Can Do It" Cards:

"As I change my thoughts, the world around me changes. Everyone in my life has something to teach me.  We have a purpose in being together."

As this conference shapes up, I will keep you informed.  I am excited about it.  Whether you are Single or in a relationship, there will be something for you. You can help by telling me what kinds of things you'd like to learn about in a True Love Relationship Conference.

Drop me a response to this blog post.  Thanks in advance for your thoughts! 

Take care, Michelle

So often I hear people say that they don't know why they don't get what they want.  This is especially true in relationships.  They describe themselves in glowing terms while often describing their partner very negatively. 

Their thoughts about themselves are, "What's not to like?" while the one they're with is sub-par.  They lament that they aren't getting the love they feel they deserve. The problem is they are telling themselves a story!

Yes, they are blind to their faults and irritating behaviors.  They only see what their spouse is doing that drives them crazy.

If you are a friend who patiently hears such stories, bless you. Before you jump to defend the person who cannot see the forest for the trees, remind yourself that you are only hearing one side of the story.  You may be too polite to point out the blind spots of your lamenting friend.  You may also realize that it is fruitless, so you hold your tongue. 

Wouldn't it be wonderful if more people were willing to step back and look at themselves before they moan about how they cannot get what they want? Wouldn't it be great if more people actually asked themselves,"What am I doing to contribute to the well-being (or demise) of this relationship?" before pointing a finger accusingly and saying, "You need to make me happy?"

If you're experiencing some blind spots and are interested in making some adjustments that will create morehappiness in your life, my TrueLove Coaching Calls or Mastermind Relationship Group Coaching may be exactly what you need!  If you are the partner of someone with major blind spots, even better.  When you agree to work on yourself, amazing things happen in your relationship!

When you join Facilidating, Dating Made Easy for Men, here are the first 10 lessons you will receive:

Lesson 1:       Improve Your Confidence: Exercises to Jump Start You

Lesson 2:       Handle Rejection with Ease While Reducing its Occurrence

Lesson 3:       Qualifying Questions: Responding with Confidence and Humor

Lesson 4:       Be the Attraction Magnet: Skills You Must Master

Lesson 5:       A Man is Known By his Appearance: Dress for Success

Lesson 6:       You Are In Charge: Be the Man With a Plan

Lesson 7:       Conversation Starters: Have Her Eating Out of Your Hand

Lesson 8:       What Do You Want? Determining the Best Woman for You

Lesson 9:       Warning Signs: If She's Trouble on a First Date, Get Out Now

Lesson 10:    The Art of Chivalry: Gentleman or Nice Guy? You Decide

For more information about this exciting, informative membership program, go to http://www.facilidating.com